i wouldn't consider this post to be a trauma dump, but i think others will. reader discretion is advised. and with that out of the way...
i grew up with a bunch of scene kids that were melodramatic and pretended to commit suicide every other week. i was probably the youngest in this group, so i was extremely affected by this. y'all see how i am, personality-wise, typically kind and wholesome, so i would cry for hours trying to contact my "friends" that posted vague messages about ending their lives to the point that i got made fun of by other users for caring so much. eventually the person that "died" would come back and post some vague apology. but then they would do it again. and i would cry again. and get made fun of for crying again. and the cycle would repeat. eventually my brain grew enough to realize that these people are NOT my friends because they did not have an ounce of care for me even though i showed as much care as i could for them.
this led me to have a cynical view on suicide. i found people who were suicidal to be extremely selfish. but i became more selfish too. if someone was telling me they were struggling i would either ignore it completely, tell them to push through it, or say they could vent to me (and if they vented, i definitely did not read their messages, maybe send a 'you got this <3').
but that was until i developed my own suicidal ideology. i was feeling very alone even in a room full of people. i felt completely detached from my friends and family. and it got to the point that i was making fun of myself for being melodramatic, telling myself it would be better to just end it than keep complaining about my issues. but there was actually something seriously wrong with me. and at my lowest, in the act, i realized that. so i contacted my closest friend and confidante. talked it out. woke the f*ck up. went to the hospital. got my sh*t together.
because of that episode, i have empathy for people who are struggling with suicidal thoughts. not everyone has a confidante outside of the abyssal internet. but i also realize that these people are lacking CARE. care for others. care from others. care for themself. care from themself. i try to show them that people are out there to support them (be it professional or personal), but that this person is not me. all i can do is hope they can heal. hope they can realize they need to deal with this using their own will. without me. because i have my own sh*t to care about. i have my own people to care for and get care from. and most importantly i have to give care to myself for myself. i'd consider this like a selfish empathy? but i think everyone should show care mostly to themself because of the whole "you are born/will die alone" sh*t.
suicide is an unfortunate reality, and we cannot save everyone from this reality (except maybe for yourself and closest crew). in my more recent history, i've had a few people on discord tell me about their suicidal/depressive thoughts. this is a bit funny to me because i legit don't be using discord like that. people just see a nice person in their server (who only joined because the server creator asked them to) and immediately attach to that. they see someone who they think will listen which shows to me that they are just using me. for my care. because i'm full of love. but that love is not infinite, it takes energy and consideration, therefore, i have no love to give to them, a stranger (possibly acquaintance). if they're going to show selfishness to me (whine and complain and not listen to my advice), i'm going to be selfish back by reminding them that their behavior is toxic dependence, wishing them the best, leaving them a few bits of advice/motivation, and telling that i will not be replying any further. it's not up to me if these people take their lives. of course i will always encourage otherwise, i truly think everyone's existence is valuable and worth experiencing for as long as possible, but it's not my problem to care about some bozo on the internet that THINKS no one irl loves them. I don't love them. other than the basic "fellow human" love. the only person you that will truly care about you is yourself. like get some help dude. leave me out of this. misery loves company. i refuse to be used like that.
i've never had an internet FRIEND succeed w/ suicide, so my opinion may change if that were to ever happen (which i pray never does). a real friend will acknowledge the pain they are causing you and seriously listen to/introspect on the advice you give them. they will try their best to deal with it alone, but realize when they need a shoulder to lean on. i will always be there for my real friends. the issue is that i cannot be everyone's friend. that's an impossible task. as apathetic as it seems, the only feeling i have for internet strangers succeeding in suicide is whatever "damn.. that sucks" is considered.
if anyone reading is dealing with such thoughts, i truly hope for your healing. but the only person that can heal you is yourself. it's a privilege to have someone to lean on, not a right. do the best with what you have. you might even have to fake it until you make it. but i've yet to meet anyone that regrets the hard work they've put towards their existence on this planet.
