Faster-Higher-Stronger ’Splainer: The Ringer’s Guide to the 2024 Paris Olympics (2024)

Is there any such thing as a “normal” Olympics? Hard to say! After all, there are really only two reliable certainties about any given Games: (1) that they will be an expensive boondoggle, and (2) that the unexpected and absurd have a way of winning the day. For athletes, making it to the Olympics is the culmination of a lifelong dream, the payoff for decades of dedication and sacrifice. For everyday viewers, on the other hand, watching the global sporting event means respecting all of that hard work … while also sending rower dong memes to colleagues and saying things like, “You catch that greased-up Tongan?” in polite conversation. (Gonna miss that guy.)

It’s the enormous, ridiculous disconnect between the behaviors of these two groups that consistently makes the fortnight of competition so memorable. Citius, Altius, Fortius—faster, higher, stronger—is the Games’ earliest motto, but in our modern culture, the event is frequently also quite iocularius: more ludicrous.

With more than 10,000 athletes participating across 45 sports for 15-plus days in and around Paris (and also, of course, in Tahiti), there is sure to be all manner of achievement and disappointment and spectacle and grit ’n’ gristle over the next couple of weeks.

The Olympics are not just about being the best; they’re also about doing the most. So with all that in mind, this guide to the 2024 Paris Olympic Games offers up a few superlatives of our own. Bon voyage, get set … GO.

Most Likely to Light the Olympic Cauldron

In April, cloudy weather in Athens spoiled traditional plans to light the Olympic torch via “the sun’s rays”; since then, the symbolic flame has been carried by people ranging from Charles LeClerc to Halle Berry to Jin. But who will have the designation of lighting the Olympic cauldron at July 26’s opening ceremony? There are a number of possibilities, ranging from skiing and style icon Jean-Claude Killy to a footballer like Zinedine Zidane to some everyday French centenarian who was alive back when Paris last hosted the Olympics in 1924. But my money’s on runner Marie José Pérec, who won three gold medals in the 200- and 400-meter events across the 1992 and 1996 Games.

Sickest Opening Ceremony Fits

Unfortunately, these beautifully bonkers Team USA racing jacket getups can’t qualify here because they’re for the closing ceremony. But even if they could, they’d be competing for a distant bronze, at best. To give you an idea of the competition: Already, there’s been a whole GQ interview titled “How Mongolia’s Viral Olympics 2024 Uniforms Came Together in Just 12 Weeks.” (An article that includes the words “pouch bags, sash belts, dangling earrings, pointed buryat hats, and gutal boots,” no less!) Still, while Mongolia has stolen the spotlight, don’t sleep on Haiti! The bolder the print, the golder the glint.

Weakest Opening Ceremony Fits

Why do I feel like our French hosts are about to tell me that beverage service has been suspended for the duration of the flight, and would I please return my tray table to its upright locked position? And, oh, Canada. More like LuLOLemon, eh?

Most Dominant U.S. Women’s Team

When WNBA rookie sensation Caitlin Clark was controversially-yet-understandably-yet-unexpectedly-yet-semi-logically left off the roster of the women’s national basketball team, the decision was—among so many other things—a good reminder of just how dominant Team USA has been in international competition over the years. (We’ll agree to ignore the team’s exhibition performance at the WNBA All-Star Game this past weekend.) The program has a 70-3 all-time record at the Olympics, the last time they didn’t win gold was 1992, and elder statesgal Diana Taurasi is seeking her sixth (sixth!!) gold medal.

They aren’t the only team hoping to maintain a tradition of success. The women’s water polo team, led by goalie Ashleigh Johnson and decorated captain Maggie Steffens, has a chance to win a fourth straight gold this summer. If they do, the happiest fan might be … Flava Flav?! Not only has he contributed financially to their coffers, but he’s also donned a Speedo, joined them in the pool, and promised to buy the athletes some custom timepieces if they can create a new winning moment.

Most Dominant Team, Period

In the Tokyo Olympics, the Chinese diving team won gold medals in seven of the sport’s eight events. The scary part is that this just means that they have motivation to do better in Paris.

Best Social Media Presence

Like many of us, American gymnast Frederick Richard experienced a big uptick in TikTok usage a few years back, during the height of the pandemic. Unlike most of us, Richard finds that hotel clerks like it when he does a flip over lobby couches in the name of fresh content. Some people have all the luck!

Biggest Days on the 2024 Paris Olympics Schedule

By definition, every day is a big day at the Olympics. Turn on the TV knowing nothing, and suddenly some saber-wielding star you’ve never heard of (and can’t quite see through that Daft Punk armor) could be about to win a bout—and your heart. Or maybe you’ll watch as a defending gold medalist skateboarder from Japan and his prodigious 14-year-old teammate wave hello to the world. If you’re lucky, you’ll catch three of the most exciting women in swimming (all-timer Katie Ledecky, wunderkind Summer McIntosh, and Ariane “The Terminator” Titmus) in a competition (the 400-meter free) that has already been touted as “the race of the century.” That’s just a tiny glimpse at Day 1 of the Paris Games alone!

Then it just keeps going. Day 6 (August 1) asks the question: Can Simone Biles punctuate her so far, so good comeback with an all-around medal? On Day 10 (August 5), we ponder: Might the high-flying half-Swede Mondo Duplantis reset the world record in pole vault, again? (He’s already done so eight times since February 2020.)

If Day 8 (August 3), which features—

• the women’s 100-meter final in track and field (with a field that is expected to include Sha’Carri Richardson and Jamaica’s Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce)
• the gold medal match in women’s tennis (Coco Gauff vs. Iga Swiatek?! Please?)
• the men’s finals on pommel horse and the high-flying, high-stakes, twisties-risking women’s vault
• something called “dressage team Grand Prix Special” (go Canada?)
• another Ledecky-Titmus showdown

—AND MORE, somehow ain’t it for you, then perhaps you ought to simply sleep on it and wake up refreshed for Day 9 (August 4), which features the men’s 100-meter dash and singles tennis finals, as well as some swimming medley relays, an event that the American men’s team has yet to lose in an Olympics.

Or, if you’re the kind of sensitive soul who prefers to bask in the preemptive nostalgia of the penultimate, then Day 14 (August 9) could be for you. It features 4x100 relays in track, the women’s beach volleyball finals under the eye of the Eiffel Tower, a suffocating sense of wistfulness about the passage of time, the men’s soccer championship, the women’s 3-meter springboard diving competition, the rhythmic gymnastics final, and the first B-girls dance-off.

Most Intriguing New Olympic Event

That’s right, I just wrote the words “B-girls dance-off,” and I meant them. The Paris Games will feature the debut of Olympic breakdancing, a.k.a. breaking, where “power moves” is official jargon and competitors include “B-Girl Raygun” and “B-Boy Quake.” (Sadly, B-Boy Mighty Duck didn’t make the cut.) One U.S. competitor, 35-year-old Sunny Choi, discovered the art form as a freshman at Penn during a “drunken night out,” stumbling on members of the group Freaks of the Beat who were out dancing. Years later, when breaking was announced as an Olympic sport, she quit her creative-exec job at Estée Lauder to see about making breaking history.

Most Surprising Fact That I Learned in the Making of This List

The organizers of the next Summer Olympics—to be held in Los Angeles in 2028—have named a few new sports for the occasion, as is custom, including squash, lacrosse, and flag football. BUT! In doing so, they’ve also dropped breaking from the lineup (!), meaning there’s a chance that the upcoming Olympics could theoretically be one and done for the sport. Pretty heartbr—you know what, it’s too soon.

Most Surprising Stat That I Learned in the Making of This List

Wait, this is Steph Curry’s first Olympics?!

NBA Player Most Likely to Become a Dedicated Superfan of, Like, Trampoline or Sport Climbing or Badminton or Something

This amazing Avengers-esque video of various Team USA men’s basketball players going through their pregame tics and routines was a reminder that it’s fun to watch these guys jockey for position even when they aren’t in the middle of a game. Which raises the question: Which NBA player will become the most conspicuous Olympics superfan?

LeBron James is an obvious front-runner, until you remember the existence of Kevin Durant. (KD has already talked about wanting to see Simone Biles, but a vision of him geeking out over BMX came to me in a dream.) Steph Curry will be hiding in the bushes by the greens, taking notes for his golf game. I couldn’t recommend more highly this video of Anthony Edwards breaking down his hoops teammates’ potential in a swimming pool. And Tyrese Haliburton is absolutely going to performatively “try his hand” at, like, rhythmic gymnastics. At some point they’ll ostensibly all play basketball, too.

NBA Player Best Positioned to Rev Up His Legacy

Victor Wembanyama already has a captivating rookie season with the San Antonio Spurs under his belt, but the 2023 no. 1 draft pick has a chance to really frolic with house money this summer. As part of a Team France roster that also features Rudy Gobert and Nic Batum, Wembanyama will have the home crowd in his thrall whether or not he has the ball in his hands.

NBA Player for Whom Less Is Now More

Jimmer Fredette has long enjoyed the attention of his countrymen: “Unbelievable. Best scorer obviously in the country. Great talent” is how then-president Barack Obama described the then-BYU athlete during a 2011 March Madness bracket unveiling. He’s also played internationally: After drifting out of the NBA, he spent a few seasons in China. Now, Fredette will try to recapture some of that old magic … as a member of the American 3x3 basketball squad. “Now 35 years old, Fredette knows that his story might be down to its final chapter,” says an article about him on the Team USA website, and I—I can’t finish this sentence because I just withered away into oblivion.

Speediest NBA Antagonist

Sprinter Noah Lyles is a lightning-fast six-time world champion with an Olympic bronze medal, but one of his biggest recent moments of fame came when he ran his mouth. Last year, Lyles mused that it’s weird that NBA teams call themselves world champions, riling up the sort of people who get riled up about that sort of thing. Now, when Lyles races for a shot at the Olympic podium, he’ll get his chance to show everyone what peak global performance can really look like. That is—unless Jamaican sensation Kishane Thompson shows everyone first.

Most Exhausting Cosplay Opportunity

The “Marathon Pour Tous,” an exciting opportunity for normies and endurance freaks alike to eat the dust of greatness!! I’ll be cheering you all on from the comforts of my bed.

Latest Obligatory Olympic Aquatic Crisis

As any Games enthusiast is well aware, mounting horror about the hydrological conditions of Olympic venues is a cherished tradition. In 1992, “New Zealander Bruce Kendall, the defending sailboard champion, had spotted five rats and two refrigerators close to shore within a day of arriving” in Barcelona. And who can forget Rio 2016, where an official posited that “chemistry is not an exact science” when people started asking why the diving pool looked like Ecto Cooler. (“The whole venue smells like somebody has fart,” a German diver explained on Facebook at the time.)

Anyway, this year’s version of the ritual comes in the form of Parisian mayor Anne Hidalgo’s determined dip in the greige waters of the Seine to prove that a cleanup effort—which cost more than a billion euros—had worked, je jure! (“I hope she doesn’t get spots tomorrow or the day after,” a French onlooker told The New York Times.)

Latest Obligatory Olympic Doping Scandal

Honestly, I’m nervous to opine on the strange saga of the Chinese swim team because every piece of information I learn about it feels simultaneously hand-wavier and more convoluted than the last. This past April, The New York Times reported that before the Tokyo Olympics in 2021, 23 Chinese swimmers tested positive for trimetazidine, a banned substance that increases blood flow to the heart, and were able to compete anyway; 11 of those athletes were named to this year’s Paris 2024 team. Chinese officials insist that it was all a case of foodborne contamination, various federations and agencies have agreed that it’s all just a big, tainted nothingburger, and the rest of the world wonders why things smell so off. “None of it makes sense,” Ledecky told The New York Times, and from one Katie to another: I agree!

Latest Obligatory Canadian Equine Scandal

Similarly, I do NOT feel at all qualified to properly distill the many instances of chaos and controversy that have swirled in and around Canada’s horse sport federation over recent years. Past situations have included maltreatment of horses by a mother-daughter duo, reports of rigged scoring, a forged doctor’s note, and, most recently, a dispute over conflicts of interest in the team selection process that resulted in two women being suspended by an arbitrator. But don’t take it from me; take it from Horse Journals and Dressage News (and DressageHub) and HorseSport and—last but never least—The Chronicle of the Horse.

Latest Obligatory Kicked-Off-the-Olympic-Team Scandal

There’s always someone! Shoko Miyata, the 19-year-old captain of the Japanese women’s gymnastics team, was sent packing this week for violating team policies by smoking and drinking under the legal age of 20. Whatever happened to just making a wayward teen sit down and finish the pack?

Miyata’s dismissal was a bit reminiscent of the bummer story of USA sprinter Sha’Carri Richardson. Infamously, she qualified for the Tokyo Olympics in 2021 but never got to compete—she was suspended after weed showed up on her drug test. Richardson is back this time around and eager to redefine her reputation with a winning showing. “I’m ready mentally, physically, and emotionally,” she said last year. “And I’m here to stay. I’m not back; I’m better.”

Latest Obligatory Olympic Swimming Sensations Coached by Bob Bowman

Michael Phelps was an 11-year-old in Maryland when he first began working with swim coach Bob Bowman; their athletic partnership ultimately spanned four different Olympics, yielded 28 medals, and even provided baby name inspo. Recently, Bowman coached at Arizona State University—and as it turns out, some of his Sun Devils are among swimming’s biggest names this Olympic cycle.

There’s American backstroker Regan Smith, who earned silver and bronze medals in Tokyo and set a new 100-meter world record at the Olympic trials this summer. She arrives in Paris with high hopes that she can accomplish a still elusive goal: beating out her Aussie rival Kaylee McKeown for Olympic gold.

And then there’s thrilling French phenom Leon Marchand, who in 2023 didn’t merely beat Phelps’s last remaining world record—in the long-course 400-meter individual medley—but demolished it. Marchand topped the time that had stood for 15 years and long been considered one of the more untouchable records in swimming by more than a full second. “He’s coached by my old coach, so he’s got a couple of good tricks up his sleeve,” remarked Phelps—who will be on hand in Paris to call Olympic swimming for NBC—during the broadcast of Marchand’s record-breaking performance. “I mean, this kid’s gonna be a stud performer to watch next summer in Paris.” That next summer is now next week.

Littlest-Known Neo-Lindy-est Event

Oh, you’re a fan of the Olympics, you say? Pop quiz, hotshot: Name the events that make up the modern pentathlon. You can’t. You won’t!

I issue this challenge because seeing the words “modern pentathlon: laser run” on the Paris 2024 schedule made me realize that I had no idea (a) what that means, (b) whether smoke machines are involved, and (c) actually, what any of the events making up the modern pentathlon even are! I looked up the answers, which surprised and delighted me: The pentathlon features fencing, then a swim, then an obstacle course on horseback—and what’s more, the rules specify it must be “an unfamiliar horse”!!!!! Then duels. And finally, that laser run, which combines a gruelingly long footrace with, basically, some Duck Hunt. This is clearly a sport of kings, which is why they’ll be holding the competition at Versailles.

(Now that you’ve joined me on this educational journey, just know that things are about to change further. Thanks in part to a series of events that included a German coach punching an equine named “Saint Boy” back at the Tokyo Olympics—I know–the modern pentathlon in L.A. in 2028 will replace the riding-a-strange-horse part of the competition with an American Ninja Warrior–style obstacle course. USA! USA!)

Oldest Guy Who’s Still Got It(TM)

Cuba’s Mijaín López may not be the most advanced-in-age athlete at the Paris Olympics—that would be Canadian equestrian Mario Deslauriers, 59. But López is attempting quite a feat: At age 41, he’s trying to win a fifth straight gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling. My back hurts just typing that sentence.

Savviest Mom-etizations

At the Paris Olympics, you might be better off being an athlete who’s a mom than being the mom of an athlete: The Procter & Gamble–branded nursing space afforded to the former may not sound like much, but it’s far better than having one’s heart and soul in a vise as one’s vitals are broadcast to the world. (Not that I’m complaining: As a viewer and voyeur, I support this intrusive premise entirely.)

Coolest-Named Piece of Equipment

The good news is that “Formula Kite”—the class of “high performance hydrofoiling kiteracing” vessel that was chosen for the new wind-powered race debuting in Paris—looks exactly as rad as it sounds. (Also, if top American contender Daniela Moroz were to win gold in the event, it would be Team USA’s first sailing gold in 16 years.) The bad news is that I really don’t know whether we can rule out the possibility of Mark Zuckerberg pulling an Elizabeth Swaney in this discipline in L.A. in 2028. Consider this an open and ongoing inquiry.

Darnedest Piece of Equipment

In 375 CE, Roman writer Flavius Renatus Vegetius described wooden horselike structures that were used by the army to train soldiers to mount and dismount their steeds “in an artistic style, with a sword or a spear in hand.” Fast-forward about a millennium and a half: “The apparatus of precision and peril” is how that humble pommel horse is now described on the website of FIG, the governing body of international gymnastics.

Indeed, these days, the pommel horse is best known as one of the more divisive men’s gymnastics events (and not just because one false move up on that piece of equipment can leave a fella doubled over on the mat like he’s been torn in two). Arduous and frenetic, the pommel horse event is feared and/or hated by many in the sport. Yet, for an eccentric handful of dedicated pommel artistes sprinkled around the globe, it might as well be the only event that exists.

American Stephen Nedoroscik is one of these types. Whereas many of his teammates, like Brody Malone or Fred Richard, compete across all six pieces of equipment in the men’s competition, Nedoroscik has one role only: Do not fall off that horse. He does this job well. With his spidery frame, goofy Rec Specs, and highly specialized, surprisingly graceful feats of upper-body strength, he seems more like an air-bendin’ relief pitcher atop that raised mount than anything else. Here’s to throwing that heat and avoiding those balls.

Least Cooperative Ligament

Gymnast Kayla DiCello was in the midst of her opening routine at the U.S. Olympic trials last month when it all ended with the dreaded words looks like an Achilles. And her teammate Skye Blakely, a promising young talent on the rise, hadn’t even made it that far: She had also gone down with an Achilles injury during a practice session a couple of days earlier. Those injuries—combined with another one at trials to Shilese Jones, who withdrew from competition after hurting her knee—helped 16-year-old Jersey girl Hezly Rivera make the team. Rivera is a relative outlier on a Team USA squad that is, on average, among the oldest group of American gymnasts in Olympic history.

Team el Más Conmovedor

Thirty-eight-year-old Spanish legend Rafael Nadal will play what is likely some of the last competitive tennis of his career when he partners with winning whippersnapper Carlos Alcaraz, 21, in doubles. I’m already all llorando about it.

Best Gymnast Not Named Simone Biles

When a shaken-up Biles abruptly and famously withdrew from the Tokyo all-around competition in 2021, effectively tossing the gold medal up for grabs, Brazil’s winsome, intrepid Rebeca Andrade—who entered the final as the points leader—seemed poised to win it. Instead, she stepped out of bounds twice during her floor exercise and left the door open for the United States’ Suni Lee. Still, Andrade’s silver represented Brazil’s first women’s artistic gymnastics medal, and a few days later, she won gold in the vault final as well. Since then, Andrade has continued to bolster her impressive arsenal of tricks and maneuvers, knowing that if she wants to be the best, she’ll probably need to beat the GOAT first.

All that said, the woman who did grab the sudden opportunity by the horns and win gold in Tokyo is also right back at the Olympics this cycle. It’s an achievement made all the more mind-boggling when you consider that she’s had multiple kidney surgeries—and, if that weren’t enough, a whole bunch of existential doubt—between then and now.

Best Connection to Simone Biles

Diver Juliette Landi didn’t get her start in the sport until the summer of 2020—but she nevertheless caught on quickly enough that she’ll be competing for the French team in Paris. The fact that Landi already had both gymnastics training and significant exposure to Olympic competition probably helped with the learning curve: Not only are both of her parents former Olympic gymnasts, they’ve also coached Biles throughout her comeback.

Most Dominant Simone Biles Moment Since Tokyo

Oh, just that time this May that she won the U.S. Classic by more than two points (it may not sound like it, but that is so many points!). Her performance in that meet was ambitious in its difficulty and alive in its execution, and it made for an absolutely ebullient atmosphere in the arena. (Biles told a reporter afterward that she was glad that her husband, NFL player Jonathan Owens, had gotten to hear how a building populated largely by starstruck young girls can sound as loud as an NFL stadium.)

Most Dominant Katie Ledecky Moment Since Tokyo

When she became the first woman to win 20 world swimming titles last year. Twelve years ago, at the 2012 Olympic trials in Omaha, I watched a 15-year-old Ledecky win the 800 free by more than two seconds and had a sense it might be the start of something special. I thought I knew, but I had no idea. When all is said and done—and assuming, as I do, that Ledecky will return to swim one more 1500 in the Los Angeles Games four years from now—Ledecky will go down as one of the greatest American athletes of all time.

Most Fallible Katie Ledecky Moment Since Tokyo

And yet. When Canadian teen sensation Summer McIntosh, 17, beat Ledecky in the 800-meter at a sectionals meet this February, it marked the first time Ledecky had lost that race in more than 13 years. While McIntosh has apparently opted not to compete in this event in Paris because of a packed schedule full of other races, the attention of Australia’s Ariane Titmus was definitely piqued. And all three swimmers will compete in the 400-meter race on opening night.

The Katie Ledeckey–est Competitive Climber

Twenty-five-year-old Slovenian climber Janja Garnbret might be one of the most dominant athletes around today. Not only did she win gold in climbing’s Olympic debut in Tokyo, but she hasn’t lost her grip on the sport since. It will take a lot more than a broken toe for this champion to stumble.

Scarviest Spokes-Exec

Thanks to the below A++ thread about the A to Z’s of Gay Paree, I have enjoyed learning of Christophe Dubi, the executive director of these Olympic Games. Between the snippets of scarves and sweaters and statements I’ve seen, I feel confident that we’ll get at least one lasting meme from this bon monsieur before the Games are through.

Thirstiest Athlete

At age 37, Novak Djokovic has won a LOT of hardware—but none of it is in the form of Olympic gold. Can he find a way to complete his precious metals collection?

Chippiest off the Old Block

Golfer Nelly Korda (daughter of tennis player Petr Korda) is hoping to defend her Tokyo gold medal, while soccer player Trinity Rodman (daughter of basketball bad boy Dennis Rodman) will be taking the Olympic pitch with the eager-for-redemption U.S. women’s national team for the first time.

Best Niche Rivalry

As this new Willem Dafoe–voiced Nike ad accurately conveys, elite competition isn’t always about hope and inspiration and schmaltzy sportsmanship. (Shut up, co*ke!) Never underestimate the power of some good old-fashioned sports hate! Fittingly, Paris will feature a number of consequential and familiar head-to-head showdowns between ongoing adversaries.

Like USA vs. Australia in swimming, for example, a rivalry that has gotten increasingly fun in recent years. Or the age-old clash between French labor unions and management, a battle that most recently has plunged the logistics of the planned opening ceremony on the Seine into uncertainty. Or Japan’s Hashimoto Daiki and China’s Boheng Zhang in men’s gymnastics, an all-around feud that is as respectful as it is ascendant.

And then there’s the matter of the men’s 1500-meter footrace, which has turned into one of the cattiest competitions across the globe. (“Putting the ‘Diss’ in ‘Middle-Distance’” is how Citius Mag described it.) Norway’s Jakob Ingebrigtsen was a teen sensation when he won gold in Tokyo in the mile-ish-long event; since then, he’s been bested in a couple of big races by the Brit Josh Kerr. And the sh*t-talking hasn’t stopped the entire time. “He is missing something in himself that he is searching for in others,” Ingebrigtsen said of Kerr in March. (Last year, Ingebrigtsen described his rival as “Just the next guy.”) “We’re not friends,” Kerr told reporters in May as Ingebrigtsen sat near him onstage. “We don’t hang out, we don’t text. We race each other, and that’s our relationship.” August 6 really cannot come soon enough.

Commercial That’s Most Likely to Make You Cry

Usually a brand like Tide is really reliable for this, though I haven’t seen their latest production yet. In general, the tenets of a good tearjerker Olympics commercial can be remembered as BAWL:

• BABY pictures or footage. (I’m extremely fine with this part being fictional, TBH; we get inundated with enough of the real stuff via the NBC sentimental-industrial complex. Thank u, “Thank You, Mom”!)
• ARPEGGIO or similar piano soundtrack.
• WEIRD brand reveal that kind of sneaks a frisson of shame into the emotional equation—OMG, I’ve been crying about Tide?!—which, as any fellow Catholic knows, is essential to all matters of the spirit.
• Finally, it needs to be LONG-LASTING: With apologies to Lyles and Richardson, the Olympics are a marathon, not a sprint! If my children aren’t instinctively rolling their eyes at your ad on Day 13 because they just know they’re about to hear their mom sniffling again, go back to the drawing board.

Commercial That’s Most Likely to Haunt Your Dreams

Actually, who needs ads from external Olympic sponsors when all the most harrowing promotional content has already come from in-house? (Click on this at your own peril.) Like, this NBC bit may be six months old, but I’m not really sure what could rattle me more than an Emily in Paris–Noah Lyles crossover spot … unless, of course, it’s the words “Peyton Manning rides giant flying baguette to promote 2024 Paris Olympics on NBC.” Last thing you see before you wake up in a bathtub.

Most In-Danger World Record

Since June 2021, 24-year-old reigning gold medalist Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone has set new world records in the exceptionally unsparing 400-meter hurdles five times, including last month at the Olympic trials. Can she–or her biggest competitor, Femke Bol, who holds the top European record—push the limits even further?

Most Notably Late-Blooming Olympics Participant

It wasn’t until 2017—when Kristen Faulkner started brainstorming some outdoor hobbies that might help her get some fresh-air breaks from her NYC venture capital job—that she first signed up for a free beginner women’s cycling clinic. (It took some trial and error before she could even figure out how to clip into her pedals.) Now, she’s considered a potential Olympic medal contender.

Most Notably Early-Achieving Olympics Participant

Before 6-foot-7 Chase Budinger spent seven seasons in the NBA, he was a high school hoops player good enough to be named “Mr. Basketball” in the state of California. Oh, and he was also on a La Costa Canyon High School volleyball team that won three state championships. (One year, when he was a teen, Volleyball Magazine put him on its cover.) It’s that second sport he’s pursued ever since retiring from the NBA, and this summer, he’ll represent America in beach volleyball.

Strangest Broadcasting Decision That Is Also the Correct One

This is a tie between two headlines: “Snoop Dogg Is Planning to Reunite With Crip-Walking Horse at 2024 Olympics” (previously!) and “Scarlett Johansson Is Bewildered by Husband Colin Jost’s Olympic Gig—in Tahiti.” (Jost will be on hand to help cover the surfing contest for NBC, obv.)

Most Straightforward Broadcasting Decision That Is Also the Correct One

Leading up to the Olympics, I’ve really enjoyed the small glimpses I’ve had of Phelps commentating on swimming and look forward to more. (His work last year as Marchand bested the last of his records was as likable and informative as it gets.)

Glaringest Absences

• It made me wince when the talented Athing Mu went down during the 800-meter at the track trials, but on the bright side, this time around her fall didn’t take anyone else out. Still, she won’t be in Paris to go for another gold.
• Bryson DeChambeau, meanwhile, may have just won another U.S. Open, but he won’t be competing in Paris, in part because of a wonky qualification system that doesn’t play well with LIV Golf.
• Dutch BMX gold medalist Niek Kimmann won’t be able to defend his title either, in his case because of an inflamed heart muscle.
• Kiran Badloe, titleholder in windsurfing, failed to qualify.
• And last weekend’s WNBA All-Stars vs. Team USA exhibition game made it clear that we really are gonna miss Caitlin Clark.

Freshest Faces

American sprinter Quincy Wilson and gymnast Hezly Rivera are each nigh 16 years old, and even the returning women’s skateboarders—like Tokyo medalists Yosozumi Sakura, now 22; Hiraki Cocona, now 15; and Sky Brown, also 15—remain relative young’uns. At 21, weight lifter Olivia Reeves—who used to hang out in a CrossFit gym owned by her mom when she was in grade school—has been taking the junior circuit by storm and is now ready to take on the world.

Zaniest Extended Family Since That Christmas Episode of The Bear

One of the women’s gymnastics executives these days is Alicia Sacramone Quinn, a former gold medalist herself who is married to noted former Notre Dame and NFL quarterback Brady Quinn. But wait, there’s more! Brady Quinn has two sisters: one who is married to former NFL player and current Pat McAfee sidekick A.J. Hawk, and one who is wed to NHL defenseman Jack Johnson! Next you’ll tell me that, like, Zachery Ty Bryan is Brady’s cousin. Now, wait just a minute …

Reddest Flag About Milan 2026

“I am starting to regret contributing to bringing the Winter Olympics to Italy because it’s a big responsibility and I see there are big difficulties,” Italian economy minister Giancarlo Giorgetti said earlier this year about the upcoming Winter Games. Madone!

Happiest Olympic Debut

But let’s end on a more hopeful note. It was only in 2011 that South Sudan achieved independence as a nation. It was only at the end of 2013 that its basketball team became a member of FIBA. It was only last year that the group of guys known as the “Bright Stars” qualified for an Olympic berth. And it was just last weekend that the team—playing without one of its top players, Manute Bol’s son Bol Bol—gave the Americans quite a scare in some friendly pretournament play. Shine on, guys! Warming hearts and giving the Americans something to yap about endlessly? Now that is what the Olympic Games are all about.